It’s Not Rocket Science: Why Great Leaders Struggle to Ask for Help

When you’re raised in an environment that rewards performing like a machine and punishes having needs like a human — it’s not that hard to understand why expressing your needs and asking for help doesn’t come naturally for most of us.

The world — including the corporate world — isn’t exactly a forgiving place these days and yet, that doesn’t change the devastating impact of soldiering on alone in your life, even with great material wealth and professional success.

Environment & Experience Shapes Emotional Identity

I’m from deep East Texas. Lufkin, Texas to be exact.

And while I wouldn’t trade my life there for anything, my environment and my experiences there didn’t exactly teach me that my emotional experience was valid, good or even safe to experience in any way. In fact, there was no such thing as your emotional experience in the first place. Just sports, girls, fights and two-sides of town that couldn’t have been more different.

It was Fuck Your Feelings, Get Back to Work. Don’t Work, You Don’t Eat. Don’t Grind, You Don’t Shine.

Stop Being a Bitch, Do Another Rep. Go Harder. Run Faster. Get Stronger. Be Better. Blood Makes the Grass Grow.

Nobody Cares if You’re Tired. Nobody Cares if You’re Sad. We Don’t Do None of that Around Here. And in some ways, this culture was invaluable. It drove performance. Taught me focus. Taught me hard work and in certain ways, made me stronger and more capable than what I once thought my “natural abilities” would actually allow.

And yet, whenever my Mom died, my Dad left and I lost my entire family in the span of a year or two — this environment and these experiences began to work against me. Because while those feelings obviously mattered — the only tools that I, or anyone around me, had to deal with such things was denial, suppression and soldiering on — which I did extremely well.

The only problem is, in the suppression of our own pain also comes the inevitable Subconscious Identity (or self-image) that we must not be worthy or capable to actually feel how we actually feel and be who we actually are — which always (and I mean, always) will simply lead to more pain in our lives, our relationships and our careers (just as it did for me).

Nobody matter how much money you make, no matter how many transactional relationships you have and no matter how much recognition you receive personally or professionally — that pain is still there and it will quietly wreak havoc on your life until its addressed from the inside out.

Changing Behavior Comes from Changing Identity

In his book, Atomic Habits, Author James Clear writes emphasizes that the most effective way to change behavior is to change your self-image. He writes that, behavior that conflicts with your identity will never last — which is exactly why, even after you know that you’re drinking too much, masturbating too much, working too much, eating too much or doing anything more or less than you’d actually prefer to be — you simply find yourself repeating the pattern again and again.

This is simply the way that our brain’s work.

Whenever we do something repeatedly, we strengthen our Identity with that behavior, belief and meaning. Similarly, whenever something really big happens — like an extremely emotional moment in your life (like a death, divorce, loss, birth, failure, success, transition, etc) — our brain’s similarly create a very strong identification with everything that the experience means in our lives.

For example, when my Mom died — a single, very significant moment in my life — I identified as very sad and alone. Someone different than most everyone around me, and without family or support, and that became a huge part of my personal identity. And in a similar, but different way — the longer that I didn’t talk to anyone about my experience — the more that I identified as someone whose feelings and experiences and needs didn’t matter.

Your life details undoubtedly look different than mine, but the reality is the same for us both.

Who we believe that we are deep down, what I refer to as our Emotional Identity, is ultimately what determines how we think, feel and act in our lives. How we’re showing up in our work, in our relationships, our health & fitness, with our money — you name it — and our behavior is defined by our own subconscious identities, both as a whole human being and also in each specific area.

This is why I nearly ended my own life at some point and it’s the same reason why great, capable men & women that genuinely know they need support and they want it — still don’t ask for it.

New Identities Lead to New Opportunities in Every Area of Your Life — Personally & Professionally

Fortunately for me and my family, I was eventually able to ask for you and receive the help that I needed. Sure, I needed to Self-Sabotage, Act Out, Cry for Help and truly create a Rock Bottom Moment in my own life before I felt like I actually had permission to do so — but I did it nonetheless.

Personally, I worked with an individual therapist for a long time, then I did Group Therapy for a long time and eventually I began working with a few coaches in specific areas like money and health. And in that process, I came to see how my own subconscious identity had been shaped.

And you know what? It made sense.

So much so that I was able to release all of the shame and judgement and self-loathing I’d project onto myself so things that I’d said and done from a scared, wounded place. The fact is, all of that is 100% natural human behavior. It may not be the favorite part of ourselves, but it’s a natural part of us nonetheless.

And in my own healing & growth, I slowly began to shift the way that I saw myself.

Eventually, I began to accept that my own emotional experience and needs didn’t make me weak or bad or unwanted — nor did it mean that I couldn’t crush my goals and perform at a high-level physically, professionally and otherwise.

In fact, it was quite the opposite.

The more that I aligned who I was and how I felt on the inside, the more I showed up how I truly wanted to as a man, a father and a businessman. And that’s the key takeaway for you today.

Key Takeaway — The Goal is Alignment

There’s a world where you don’t have to sacrifice your mental and emotional wellbeing for financial and professional success, just like there’s a world where you don’t have to sacrifice joy and pleasure for health and fitness.

The reality is, just as your previous environment and experience has shaped your subconscious identity to this point — and thus, your predominant thoughts, feelings, behavior and general life experience — with greater and greater awareness of yourself and the world around you, you can genuinely create environments and experiences in your life that shape you again.

Only this time, in a way that you truly choose.

Mentally. Physically. Professionally. In Relationship.

You name it — and with enough intentional attention, you can truly Align your life personally & professionally — in a way that both powerfully serves those around you and you deeply enjoy.

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My name is Scott McElroy and I’m an Executive Coach for incredible leaders in the world. If you’d like to learn more about how I help my clients change their lives, Click Here to Book a Quick Call.